When I started this post, I was going to talk about change. How change is all around me this year. How it has been challenging and exciting, and how at times there is so much of it that my head spins. But as I started to write about that, I recognized that the most notable change this year was quitting drinking. Everything else that has come along after is just a part of being in the flow. Walking through the world as a sober person has given me some beautiful gifts. There have been new friendships and connections, opportunities to help others, countless new projects, and one of the most surprising things has been the ability to open into whatever might come next. I used to be far more structured, and still am in many ways (the Virgo in me will never die), but this year I’ve found great pleasure in loosening those bindings. I’m allowing myself to explore what lights me up and following wherever it may lead when it feels right. This is what I mean by flow, and it’s starting to feel like an adventure.
I said to my husband a few months ago that for the first time in my life I didn’t have a clear picture of exactly where I was headed any longer and that terrified me. I put myself through my own two minutes of truth, asking why I needed to know exactly how things should go. Why did I feel like I should have the next steps plotted out perfectly? Why was I so afraid of the unknown and what was there to be afraid of, really? Sitting with these questions led me to shift my fear and allow the flow. Just go with it. That’s what I started to tell myself. Step into each day without an expectation. Of course I have evolving dreams of what I see for myself down the road, but it’s through keeping them open and non-committal that I find them shifting into possibilities that I never could have seen coming. Possibilities that feel so perfectly fitting.
That leads me to an interesting part of this flow that I speak of. My husband and I moved to North Carolina from Michigan twelve years ago. Up until very recently, if you had asked me if we would end up back there, my response would have been an abrupt “Hell no! Do you know how cold it is there?” Well, just before Thanksgiving, as we were planning an unexpected trip back up for a family funeral, my husband and I started talking about what it would be like to live there again. While there were various reasons for considering going back, the number one draw was to be near our families. Mid-way through this discussion, we discovered that we had both been thinking on this over the past couple of months, we just hadn’t revealed it to one another until that moment. Sometimes we are so on the same page that I swear we are the same person.
Because we had recently decided on a downsize and simplification, our house had already been placed on the market prior to this talk. We thought at the time this meant a move somewhere in our current area, yet here we are in the flow of possibilities ahead with a move back to Michigan, once our house sells. Yes, I recently wrote about feeling at home for the first time in my life, but it was that post that sparked many of these thoughts. It made me look at what home really meant to me, and it had nothing to do with the house we were living in and had everything to do with the person I’ve become, the people I love, and a place that my heart feels connected to. While it’s a tad bittersweet to leave a city that I’ve loved and enjoyed over the past twelve years, I couldn’t be more excited about the new adventure ahead back in the place that has my heart.
As my husband said to me a short time ago, this is just a turn onto a new path in our lives. Life is short, let’s have some fun.